


Secret

by AutisticWriter



Series: Femslash February [18]
Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: 1990s, Awkwardness, Bisexual Female Character, Canon Lesbian Character, Coming Out, Confusion, Drabble Collection, F/F, Falling In Love, Femslash February 2018, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Male Character, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love Confessions, Northern Ireland, Period Typical Attitudes, Prompt Fill, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 11:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: In which Clare deals with change after coming out, and two of her friends realise some things about themselves too.[Prompt 12: Secret]





	Secret

Clare can’t believe she put that story in the competition box. It seemed like a good idea to write her feelings about being a closeted lesbian in 1990s Northern Ireland, but whatever possessed her to actually submit the story to the writing competition? Why did she do such a stupid thing?

And then she walks into school one day and she sees Erin rummaging through the box and she takes out her story and decides this would make brilliant front page news. And Clare panics. She insists she wants nothing to do with this and storms off, fighting back tears.

 

* * *

 

All over the school, people are reading the school paper. And the headlining story is Clare’s story about being a closeted gay teenager. The entire school is reading about her experiences. She feels so dreadful.

Michelle decides to tell everyone that she is the lesbian, hoping it will get her more attention. Clare just wants to crawl into a dark hole and never return to civilisation.

And when she comes out to Erin, she looks freaked out to learn that Clare is gay. And Clare wants to slap her. Is her friendship ruined now? Why did this have to happen?

 

* * *

 

Clare feels so miserable. She’s lost her best friend. Erin doesn’t like her any more. And no one at school will shut up about lesbians.

She isn’t ashamed to admit that she cries a lot. Cries in a cubical in the toilets, sobbing into a tissue as she thinks about her friendship with Erin. About how her friendship is broken.

The only one who talks to her is James. She tells him that she’s gay and he hugs her.

“That’s so brave,” he says. “I’m so proud of you.”

Clare smiles weakly and nearly cries again. “Thank you so much.”

 

* * *

 

At the talent show, Clare sits next to James and tries to ignore Erin.

When Orla starts her step-aerobics routine, people laugh at her. Clare grits her teeth, hating them for mocking her friend. And then a girl calls Orla a dick and Erin shoves her.

“Yes, she might be a dick,” Erin says. “But she’s my dick!”

And Clare knows what she needs to do. Standing up, she turns to look at Erin and cries, “No, she’s _our_ dick!”

And Clare and Erin and James and Michelle join Orla on stage, and Erin smiles at her as they dance.

 

* * *

 

On their way home after the talent show, Erin puts her arm around Clare.

“I’m so sorry, Clare,” she says, and her voice is so sincere. “I just didn’t know how to react. But I know I was wrong. Of course there’s nothing wrong with you being a wee lesbian.”

“You’re _our_ wee lesbian,” Michelle says, echoing what Clare said earlier.

“I’m glad you’re friends again,” Orla says, carrying her aerobics step under her arm. “It was weird for everyone to be split up. But we’re back to normal now.”

 _A new normal_ , Clare thinks, so glad she came out.

 

* * *

 

Everyone spends the night at Erin and Orla’s house. Given how he complained that James stayed the night last time, Erin’s grandfather must not be here, otherwise Clare is sure he would barge into their bedroom and complain about a boy spending the night with his granddaughters. But what Clare finds funny is that Clare fancies girls and yet Erin’s family aren’t fussing about her.

“Don’t expect any logic from this family,” Erin says when Clare voices this thought. “Nothing that happens in this house makes any sense.”

Clare starts laughing. It’s so great to be friends with Erin again.

 

* * *

 

In the middle of the night, Clare is the only one awake, lying on the floor in Erin’s room. At least, she thinks she’s the only one awake.

“Clare?” James whispers, rolling over to face her. In the dim light of the lampposts outside, he looks orange. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure thing,” Clare whispers back. “What’s on your mind?”

“Um… how did you know you’re a lesbian?”

What a strange question! “Well, I realised I’ve only ever fancied other girls and worked it out. Why d’you ask?”

“No reason,” James says far too quickly. “I was just interested.”

 

* * *

 

The next morning, everyone sleeps in until 11am. Eventually, Erin’s ma wakes them up.

“Come on, you lazy lot!” she says, walking into the bedroom and opening the curtains.

Clare feels blinded in the sudden light, screwing her eyes up.

James groans and Michelle mutters, “fecking hell.”

“Do you mind, Ma!?” Erin moans.

“No I don’t,” says Erin’s ma. “You need to get up eventually.”

Finally opening her eyes, Clare blinks blearily. She looks over at Erin, and the strangest thing happens. When Erin makes eye contact, she blushes bright red and looks away hurriedly.

Just what is going on?

 

* * *

 

“What were you on about the other night?” Clare asks.

Its two days after the talent show and sleepover, and Clare grabs James’ arm at lunchtime at school.

James flinches, avoiding eye contact. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, why were you asking me about being a lesbian? It was a bit… random.”

James starts to go red. “Um… you see… I wanted to hear from a gay person to see if my… my own experiences match up.”

“Do you mean…?” Clare says, staring at him.

He nods. “Yeah. I think I’m gay.”

Without speaking, Clare gives him a hug.

 

* * *

 

Clare stands beside James and holds his hand when he comes out to their friends. They’re stood together at the edge of the playing field when James takes a deep breath and says, “I’m gay.”

“I knew it!” Michelle cries and Clare stamps on her foot. “I mean, thanks for telling us, English boy.”

“Now two fifths of us are gay,” Orla says, doing her steps behind Clare. “I wonder who else will come out.”

Michelle rolls her eyes, but Erin looks awkward again. Ever since Clare came out, she’s been acting strangely. Just what is up with her lately?

 

* * *

 

“What’s it like being a lesbian?” Michelle asks, looking up from her notebook as she sits beside Clare in the detention room (she doesn’t want to talk about it; what is it with her friends and Clare ending up in detention?).

Clare stares at her, and then splutters with laughter. The Sister tells her to be quiet.

“What sort of question is that?” she says.

Michelle shrugs. “I don’t fucking know. I’m just bored.”

“Well, I guess it’s just like being straight, but instead of guys, I like girls. It’s quite simple.”

“Cool. Can you help me with question six?”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Clare, can I talk to you?” James calls, racing up to her in the corridor (“No running!” yells one of the Sisters).

Clare stops walking and waits for him to catch up. He has a grin written across his face and something gripped in his hand.

“Yeah, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing’s the matter. I’ve just got a present for you.”

James holds out his hand and shows her two pin badges on his palm. They are patterned with the rainbow gay pride flag.

“Here, one’s for you,” he says. “And one’s for me.”

She grins. “Thanks, James. It’s brilliant.”

 

* * *

 

Completely confused by Erin’s behaviour ever since she came out, Clare finally decides to talk to her. She sits beside her in Erin’s bedroom and looks up from her copy of _Moby Dick_. And she stares at her friend before saying, “What’s up with you, Erin?”

Erin blushes. “Wh-What do you mean?”

“I mean why do you keep blushing around me?” Clare says. “Why are you acting so awkward all the time? I just don’t understand.”

Erin looks at her, bright red and embarrassed. And she sighs. “I dunno.”

And she gets up and walks out of the room.

“Erin?”

 

* * *

 

After her disastrous attempt to talk to Erin yesterday, Clare is dreading seeing her at school. Erin barely speaks to her all morning, but pulls her to one side on the playing field at lunchtime. Her face is red and she looks so embarrassed again.

“What are you doing?” Clare says, confused.

“I need to talk to you,” Erin says, talking too fast. She sighs. “Look, I’ll just say it… I… I think I’m in love with you.”

Clare stares at her, stunned. “What?”

“Sorry, sorry, that was stupid. I didn’t…” Erin sighs and walks off.

“Erin?” Clare says. “Erin!”

 

* * *

 

“…And she said she’s in love with me,” Clare says, concluding her recap of what happened with Erin earlier.

Finally stopping her step-aerobics, Orla sits down beside her. “But… I didn’t think Erin’s gay.”

“She isn’t, I don’t think,” Clare says. “She might be bisexual.”

“Bisexual? Is that a thing?”

Clare nods. “Of course it’s a thing. And I think she’s bisexual. I just… didn’t ever expect her to fancy me. What should I do?”

“I dunno,” Orla says. “But I think you should talk to her.”

“Yeah,” Clare says, suddenly rather anxious. “I guess I should talk to her.”

 

* * *

 

Clare is confused. Not that being confused is a new experience for her. She can’t stop thinking about what Erin said to her. About how she fancies her.

She has been friends with Erin for years. And she knows she said she didn’t fancy her when Erin freaked out when Clare came out to her, but she thinks she wasn’t telling the truth. Because, when she thinks about it, it becomes obvious that she actually does like Erin, and has done for years.

She just wishes she worked this out earlier, so she could have told Erin at the time.

 

* * *

 

“Erin, can we talk?” Clare asks, walking up to her friend on the playground at school.

Erin doesn’t make eye contact. “I guess so. Is this about the other day?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Sorry about that,” Erin says.

Clare sighs. “Erin, you don’t need to be sorry. Actually, I’m glad you told me. Because… because you telling me helped me realise something important. Now I know that… that I actually like you back.”

Erin’s eyes widen. “You… you do?”

She nods. “Yeah, I do.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

And Erin starts laughing from sheer relief and pulls Clare into a hug.

 

* * *

 

“So, you think you’re bisexual?”

“Yeah. I do. And thanks for telling me about that. I had no idea being bisexual was even a thing.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. Orla didn’t even think lesbians exist, for feck’s sake.”

“Yeah, but that’s Orla. She’s right weird.”

Clare laughs. “Poor Orla. But… but she is weird. Not that that’s a bad thing.” She smiles. “You know, I’m happy for you. It can feel weird to work out your sexuality.”

“Yeah, but it feels great to finally know,” Erin says, smiling. “And it was such a relief to know you like me back.”

 

* * *

 

“Clare, can I kiss you?” Erin says, sitting next to Clare on Clare’s bed as they do their English homework.

Clare looks at her friend (and now girlfriend), and her face blushes. “Um, yeah… if, if you want to.”

She has never kissed anyone before. What if she does it wrong?

Erin smiles and shuffles closer to Clare. And then, cautiously, she presses her lips to Clare’s. They sit there for a few seconds, kissing softly, and Clare never knew how wonderful kissing really is.

Far too soon, Erin pulls away.

“How was that?” she whispers.

Clare smiles. “Absolutely perfect.”

 

* * *

 

“What? No way!” Michelle cries.

“Shut up, Michelle,” James says, shoving his cousin. She shoves him back harder, nearly knocking him over.

“So… you’re going out?” Orla says.

Clare looks at Erin and nods, smiling. “Yeah, we’re going out.”

“And you are… bisexual?”

Erin nods. “Yes, Orla.”

“I didn’t know that was a thing,” Orla says, and Erin rolls her eyes.

“Well it definitely is,” James says. He gives Clare a hug. “I’m so happy for you both.”

“Yeah, good for you two,” Michelle says, smiling.

Clare looks at Erin and grins. She loves Erin so much. She’s so happy.


End file.
